Years of being a military spouse and now a stay-at-home mom have left my career history full of gaps and have made my résumé what you can only describe as “interesting.”
As my son gets older, I have started thinking about wading back into the career pool. Though I haven’t had a paying job for several years, I have acquired a very useful skill set (much like Liam Neeson in Taken).
That got me to thinking. How can I parlay these mom skills into a new dream job? Here are some of my skills and some ideas for potential jobs for each.
Skill: Changing a toddler’s diaper.
While diaper changes were always gross (what was that stuff coming out of my newborn), at least when my baby was small he kept relatively still and let me just take care of the business. Now that he’s a toddler, my son rolls around, arches his back, screeches, and kicks his feet almost every time he has a diaper change.
I think I once saw his head swivel around on his neck like in the Exorcist. He can be in the best mood but will suddenly become crazy the minute we take him into the room to change him. I have gotten really good at one-handed toddler wrangling while also cleaning up poop and changing a diaper. We may both be sweaty and out of breath when it’s all over but by gosh, he is clean.
See Also: Administering eye drops, eardrops, or any oral medication
Possible Jobs: Professional Wrestler for the WWE. Possible name: The No Drama Mean Mama.
Another possibility? Linebacker in the NFL. I will not lie, I get very frustrated when I watch football and they miss tackles. I mean have they ever even watched a diaper change?? Come on!
Skill: Dressing a baby/toddler.
Are baby clothes meant to be a cruel joke? Babies are tiny (thus their tiny clothes) and basically blobs (so they do little to help you), so dressing them can be downright difficult. I will confess that my child spent most of his first year in clothes that had no more than 3 snaps or one long zipper. To this day, he only wears pants with elastic. Dressing small children requires extreme manual dexterity and hand-eye coordination. If you master this skill, you can basically do anything.
See Also: Cutting baby nails
Possible Jobs: Neurosurgeon (surely its just like the game Operation, right?). Also, mission control for NASA. You have put on a toddler glove. All those control panel buttons have nothing on you. I bet the astronauts actually leave their shoes on too.
Skill: Feeding your child.
Negotiations…manipulation…scare tactics…threats. Does this sound like the plot of a CIA thriller?
No, its just mealtime with a toddler. While yesterday your little angel ate anything and everything you put in front of him, today he has decided to go on a hunger strike to rival Gandhi. You aren’t worried though. You know how this is all going to play out. It’s going to play out with them eating some food. Even if it leaves you crying over your wine in the pantry later. Don’t talk to me Howie Mandel. I know how to make a deal.
See Also: Bed time
Possible Jobs: UN diplomat. Hostage negotiator. Basically any job that involves putting out fires. Add that to the list. Firefighter.
Skill: Keeping your child alive.
Children have absolutely no self-preservation instincts. They literally run toward danger at every turn. One of our main jobs as parents is keeping them alive. It constantly amazes me how quickly my son can go from playing sweetly with his train set to standing precariously on the edge of the couch. All while I am watching. As a parent, constant vigilance is required and you need eyes in the front and back of your head.
See Also: Surviving each day.
Possible Jobs: Secret service agent. Constant alert for danger or those who would seek to harm your precious cargo? Check. Being willing to literally throw yourself in front of a moving vehicle or take a bullet for another person? Double check. If you are looking for something a little lower key, I would suggest being a personal assistant for a very high maintenance celebrity.
Skill: Laying down the law.
You know the look. Your mom gave it to you. Now you use it on your own spawn. Or the particular timbre in your voice that stops even the most unruly child. The dreaded first-middle-last name combination. Normally you may be the sweet, cuddly, and maternal parent. However, you know how to put the fear of God in these hooligans—often without saying much if anything.
See Also: Feeding your child.
Possible Jobs: President or commander of all the Armed Forces. You know you could end all the wars, achieve piece in the Middle East (nothing a little timeout wouldn’t solve), and still be finished in time for dinner. If you are feeling extra spicy and want to use your special mom powers for bad, you could also be a (benevolent) dictator.
So there you have it. You, mama, are much more marketable than you probably ever thought. It is all about the branding. Time to fire up that laptop, get the ‘ol résumé updated and get back out there. There are brains to be fixed, wars to end, and crises to solve.