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Never Have I Ever … Nothing! I’ve Done it All as a Mom!

Despite being a busy wife, caregiver, volunteer, and homeschooling mama of five, I seem to find myself playing silly social media games quite frequently. I copy and paste, filling in my own answers. I take the quizzes. And thanks to the new “Never Have I Ever” posts, I tally up my points and compare my life of adventure, luxury, and skill (or lack thereof) with my peers.

I haven’t been to all 50 states. I’ve never been sky diving. But I NAILED the mom quiz.

That’s right.

Never have I ever … nothing! I’ve done it all as a mom!

Motherhood is full of glamorous moments.

Before becoming a mama, never had I ever used my shirt as a tissue … for someone else’s nose, nonetheless.

Even though my diaper bag was always well stocked with tissues, wet wipes and burp rags, my precious wee ones seemed to always blow giant boogie bubbles out their little button noses at the most inopportune times. When giant boogie bubbles erupt, there’s no time for rummaging through a diaper bag, no matter how conveniently I think I may have stocked each item. In that moment, there’s just no way of deciding which is more horrifying- the eruption of boogie bubbles or the look on a non-mom’s face when I wipe them away with my shirt tail.

Yeah, I’ve done it.

As if boogie germs aren’t bad enough, before becoming a mama, never had I ever even imagined that I’d someday become that mom who watches her kid drop her binky on the ground, only to pick it up, give it a good lick, and plop it back in the baby’s mouth.

To be fair, the first hundred times my darling firstborn dropped her pacifier, I raced to the restroom and rinsed it off vigorously under hot water and soap. Then it seemed more time and energy effective to just rinse it under a stream of bottled water from the diaper bag. And eventually, when my son came along, and I was juggling two under the age of two, I was doing good just to lick the binky off and give it back to the right kid.

Yeah, I’ve done it.

Yes, I’ve been peed on. And pooped on. And puked on. And spilled on. And slept on. And cried on. And sucked on. And drooled on. And teethed on. I think every mom can check these off the list.

I knew before I ever got pregnant that giving life would change my body. I expected swollen ankles and a belly large enough to warrant its own zip code. But I never expected that I would become a human pacifier, teething ring, towel, etc. Yet, these are the glamorous ways that we get used.

Yeah, I’ve done it.

Before becoming a mama, never had I ever driven around the block to put a baby to sleep. Never had I cried in frustration because someone else wouldn’t stop crying. Never had I been truly terrified about the pain of childbirth.

But yeah, I’ve done it.

Having an infant or toddler definitely racks up the points in a “Never Have I Ever” game, but having preschoolers is a game changer.

Before becoming a mama of a preschooler, never had I ever hid in the bathroom. I mean, seriously? Who does that? Desperate women, that’s who. Women desperate for just five minutes alone. Women who haven’t had time to shower or put on makeup. Women who don’t want to hear, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” Women who just want to pee without an audience.

Yeah, I’ve done it.

Before becoming a mama of a preschooler, never had I ever considered eating ketchup covered chicken nuggets and cold macaroni and cheese, but there have been days that finishing my child’s lunch was the only way I was going to have a chance to eat.

So, yeah, I’ve done it.

After the first few years of just trying to survive motherhood, my children began to enter the school-age phase, and suddenly I began finding both power and pain that I didn’t know existed.

Before having children, never had I ever kept a hidden stash of food.

I used to spend all day telling my children to share, fully knowing that there was a secret stash of cookies in my closet. I didn’t mind giving them a cookie or two … but they would ask for cookies all.day.long. They would cry. They would complain. They would try to reason with me, bargain with me, bribe me. Especially if they were the “good cookies.” Who knew you could control an entire tribe of children with a box of cookies?

Yeah, I’ve done it.

I’m pretty sure it was the cookies that led to my most shameful and traumatic moment as a mom.

Before having children, never had I ever known the guilt that could be experienced after one visit with five children at the pediatric dentist’s office. Ugh. It still hurts too much to talk about.

But yeah, I did it.

Now I have teenagers.

Before becoming the mother of a teenager, never had I ever torn a bedroom apart looking for someone else’s diary to read. Never had I ever been forced to weigh someone’s privacy against my ability to understand just a small fraction of what was going on in that beautiful head of hers. 

But yeah, I did it.

Before becoming the mother of a teenager, never had I sat across a crowded restaurant trying to get a peek at someone on their first date.

But yeah, I did it.

Before becoming the mother of several teenagers, never had I ever spent $200 on groceries for a week. Yeah, I do that all the time. I should really start a GoFundMe called GoFeedThem.

Before becoming the mother of a teenager enrolled in both high school and college, never had I ever cried ordering someone else’s graduation gown. Never had I ever known the fear and pressure that comes with wondering if you’ve taught them everything they should know. Have you prepared them for life? Have you instilled in them a solid work ethic? Have you given them the guidance and tools and skill set that they need to not only survive, but thrive?

Yeah, I know that fear.

Never had I ever wanted so much more for someone else than I wanted for myself. Never had I ever known the pride that could come with someone else’s accomplishments. Never had I ever known the joy that comes from perfect strangers complimenting your kids on their behavior and their manners. Before I became a mama, never had I ever imagined that I would love this life and that I’d succeed despite the hard days and the trying times and the chaos that comes in having a big family.

But yeah, I did it.

 

 

 

 

 

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